The One Where I Meet A Original Hybrid
by splash1998
Summary: Josie is a sarcastic, outgoing girl with knowledge of everything: werewolves, vampires, originals, original hybrids…must I continue? Then she meets a certain original hybrid, which she drives completely out of his mind with her witty and sarcastic comments. But can he stop from helping himself? Klaus/OC. Future fic, ten years after Klaus. Rated T but may bump up to M, depending.
1. Chapter 1- Introducing Nice Rack

**The one where I meet an original hybrid:**

**Summary: Josie is a sarcastic, outgoing girl with knowledge of everything: werewolves, vampires, originals, original hybrids…must I continue? Then she meets a certain original hybrid, which she drives completely out of his mind with her witty and sarcastic comments. But can he stop from helping himself? Klaus/OC. Future fic, ten years after Klaus.**

**Josie reminds me of Kat Dennings in Two Broke Girls. She's about twenty six too.**

* * *

**Chapter one:**

Finally! God! It feels so good to finally get away from the creepy man next door who always feels the need to couch me inappropriately every time I come to help him out…I love you, Mr Thomas! Your wife still loves you!

Anyway, as I was saying, I'm on a plane on my way to Supernatural Central, aka Mystic Falls—which is in the great state of Virginia. I'm only going because, cue sigh, I didn't make it anywhere in New York. Plus, I hated it there. So yeah, that's right. I'm catching a plan from New York to Mystic Falls. Great!

But life goes on. I'm going to Mystic Falls to completely restart my life from fresh. Yeah, okay, I'm taking my money from New York, but you can't expect me to start out with no money! That's like asking a dog not to lift its leg to pee! Well, a male dog, a female dog just sorta squats and that's not good.

Do you wanna know the worst thing about this trip!? The fact that I am sat by Flubba Central. Yeah, this man has it all hanging out of a really tight t-shirt, and is all sweaty and its just…not…working out. Just like he never works out…. Eeww, imagine him after working out, all sweaty—excuse me one moment, I think I need to throw up.

Ugh, do you wanna know what's worst then that!? The fact that this prissy Chanel model wannabe is sat next to me, trying to act cool and disgusted while giving Flubba the eye. Gross! God! I don't wanna be in the middle of their sweaty love making! It's just…no! And then this chick looks at me, and actually dares to ask the girl with the heavy black eyeliner, dressed in black everything, "Do you have a powder?"

Really? Do I have a power? What is with women these days!? They think they can ask other random women if they can have their powder? Just because I may be sporting a vagina and wearing a c cup bra does not mean I like to powder, nor do I like to give fat guys with sweaty everything the eye. Gosh, I just wanna slap this woman silly.

"Do I look like I do!?" I ask her.

She looks a little taken back. Well, you should, bitch! Don't ask me stupid questions! Ever!

She shuts her pie hole and starts to lean away from me. Am I diseased? She has even stopped giving Fatso McFatso the eye. Yeah, I know. Slut like her, I'm surprised she isn't giving me the eye. Lesbian slut!

Anyway, what was I saying before I was rudely interrupted by a stupid, prissy Chanel model wannabe? Oh, that's right, I wasn't thinking about anything apart from my big move and the fact I am sandwiched between crazy.

My big move isn't really that big. I'm moving to Mystic Falls. Like I said, it's riddled with vamps and werewolves, and originals….I think they need a little bit of good ole human knowledge. I just gotta do some research before I start joining in with the supernatural. Put the phone down, I'm not crazy. And I know how to run. And how to make a death look like a suicide. Don't tempt me. You don't want to know how I do, I just do! So don't call the shrink on me! I'm telling the truth. Like for real. Like I'm-the-truth-fairy-truth.

"Hey," The guy from in front turns around and glares. "Could you stop kicking your feet into the back of my chair?"

I cross my arms, unaware of what I was doing. "Can you spare me your face? Turn around, ugly, I'll stop."

He turns.

Josie, 1, ugly, 0.

Booshacka!

* * *

Stop shaking me, you loser! For real, it's not cool! Stop it!

"Can you like, chill and stop shaking me?" I ask whomever. My eyes are still closed.

A manly chuckle came from, obviously, the man. "Well, excuse me for waking up a lady for her safety."

I open my eyes and check him out. Ah, he's all right. Dark hair, dark eyes, olive skin, looks like he has a six-pack.

"Well, that's all right," I say. "I was only trying to sleep."

"Seatbelt on please, Ma'am," The airhostess says to me.

"Excuse me, _Ma'am_, I am well aware," I answer back. I've got an attitude. Sue me. "Sexy here just woke me up and told me about it, didn't you, sweet cheeks?" And forward. Jeez, what's with naming all my faults!?

The airhostess looks scared. Yeah, that's a new personal record! I have scared two people on a plane! One time, I scared the absolute crap out of this man because he thought that there was a woman on the wing. I don't know who could have told him that…hahaha.

Sexy is now sitting in front. Wow, do you think he's friends with the douche in front of me? Because they are sat and they are talking. The dude in front of me has blue eyes, black hair and such pale skin, and he's nice looking, but I think it pees him off if you call him ugly.

"Would you quit it?" He says, as he glares some more at me.

"What? Did you climb to the top of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down?" I ask seriously, sarcasm lacing my voice. "Its funny how you think you're so charming doing that with your eyes, but really, you just look like a freak, so stop. And FYI, I wasn't aware I was kicking the back of your precious seat. So sorry if that messes with your lady like sensibilities."

The sexy dude with him chuckles while ugly stares at him with a blank expression. Hey, he's both ugly and dumb. He is just as dumb as he is ugly. But then the dude cracks a smile.

"Hey, you're funny," He says.

"Hey, your face isn't pretty," I argue back. "Dude, I'm just pulling your leg. I'm usually this rude."

"Where you heading after this?" He asks. "Damon Salvatore, by the way."

"I'm Nice Rack," I say jokingly. "'m joking, obviously. I'm Parks. Josie Parks. And why should I tell you where I'm heading? So you can be a stalker and follow me? Because I know you, Dracula."

Damon looks shocked before he looks back. "So what are you? Witch, vamp or werewolf?"

"None of the above," I say. "I'm just good ole human. Yeah, my dad was interested in the supernatural, and since Mystic Falls is basically a town full of the supernatural, I thought why the hell not!"

"Oh," The dude next to him decides to join the conversation. "We could totally give you a ride."

I laugh. "Look, if that hadn't sounded half as dirty as it was, I would have said no."

And we start our voyage to hell…I mean, home.

* * *

"C'mon, man, this is torture," I say, slapping a hand to my face. "You are as ugly as my nana's butt and you have crappy taste in music. What a great guy you are!"

Damon makes a face like a pig's butthole before switching off the radio all together. Well, it's either this or wrestling Fatso McFatso and Prissy Wannabe Chanel Model for a cab. So, a ride with ugly, made like a pig Damon, and his newly not so accounted friend, Jeremy, who Damon was babysitting and bringing home for his brother's vampire girlfriend. Oh, cool.

I mean, I could be watching Thor right now, sitting on the floor in my new apartment, waiting for my crappy furniture to come, while watching the god almighty of hotness swing his hammer around while swinging his balls too. I'm such a pervert. But whatever! I don't care! I don't care that I'm in a car with two ridiculously nice strangers on my way to my new town.

So whatever. I just wanna pass out and then wake up and go to my new job at the Grill. I know, high life I lead at the moment. But I'm getting there, all right? Leave your judgey eyes at the lesbian looking slut opposite you in your street.

Oh, Thor, you can hit me in the head with your almighty hammer anytime. Oh, you thought we were off that subject? Oh, hell no I could sit here and rant about how Tom Hiddleston and Chris Hemsworth are like the hottest people ever! Tom Hiddleston as Loki just gets…me…going! I have that damp feeling in between my legs just thinking about him! Man!

"Where you staying?" Jeremy asks.

"At my new apartment," I say. "I'm getting my bed delivered today, then I'm going to pass out on that bed until seven in the morning, and then go to my new job at the Grill."

"Sounds super fun," Damon smirks.

"Shut up, Edward Cullen," I tease. "Do you have a girl? Is she the Bella to your Edward? The Renesme to your Jacob? The Esme to your Carlisle?"

"What?"

"Oh, don't worry about it, dumbass," I say, then notice my building. "I'm right here. Just drop me off. Here's my number, but don't call because I don't really like talking to people. So don't call unless absolutely needed."

I get out and go upstairs. Time for my bed to be delivered. Hurry up, movers men! I need my bed! I can't sleep without one, you know!

* * *

B

O

R

E

D

!

!

!

Gosh, who knew the man who runs the Grill could be so boring? The words coming out of his mouth are going in to one ear and out the other. Please, someone just shove an actual sock in his mouth. He just talks…and…talks…and guess what, TALKS!

"Hey, Josie," Damon's voice greets me as I get someone a beer.

"Wait! Let me get my sunglasses before I look at you so you wont hurt my eyes as much," I tease. I wipe the bar down just because I can before smiling very sweetly and fake at Damon. "What can I get you, ugly?"

"You know, I could compel you to fall for my charms," He says.

"Well, I wear vervain, so not going to happen, my friend," I say back. "Where's your bum lover Jeremy? I thought you guys were joined at the penis."

Damon splutters. "I'm not gay."

"Really? Could have fooled me," I say.

Okay, so why is there a guy with fuzzy eyebrows and a frown as deep as the Atlantic frowning at us and coming this way? He looks weird too, like he has just shit his pants, or he is trying really hard not to shit his pants. Either way, the end result is that he shits his pants, and I laugh at him before being made to clean it up. Yummy…

"Who is Broody McBroody heading our way?" I ask.

"Oh, that's Stefan," Damon sighs, "Just go with the whole frowny, broody thing, he usually does it. He's my younger bro."

When Broody McBroody, or aka, Stefan Salvatore, reaches us, I smirk and hold my hand out for him to shake.

"Hey, smiley!" I say sarcastically, "has anyone ever told you that it's actually okay to smile? Someone could be falling in love with it! So turn that frown upside down!"

Damon chuckles as Stefan frowns and sits next to his brother. I cross my arms and look at them both expectantly. Aren't they supposed to click their fingers and I come running or something? Because if they click, I am so not doing anything for them. Arrogant people. I've already had one man do that, and believe me, it gets annoying after a while.

"What?" Damon asks.

"You wanna drink or you just gonna sit there moping like idiots?" I ask them.

"I'll have a beer," Stefan says.

"Ditto!" Damon says.

"Ditto to that!" I say and grab three beers. Matt, my new colluege, comes past. "Hey, Matt, I'm taking my lunch break, okay? Tell the boss."

Matt, who is standing next to me in the bar, nods and rolls his eyes. It shows that a) no one can refuse a girl when they stick their tits out and ask for something and b0 that Matt is a great guy, no matter what happens. Matt and I have talked a little about a little, but that's it. All in all, I have just Damon, Jeremy and now Stefano to talk to.

Yay! Friends! Like that never gets old. And two of them are vampires. Yes, friends with the enemy, but what can I say!? Damon is real easy to take the piss out of. I know, mean Josie, mean, but what can I say!? That's just the way I am.

Jeremy sits and snaps his fingers. Oh hell to the no! I can hear the dun, dun, dunnnnnnn! music playing. He did not just do that.

Hell is breaking lose.

* * *

**Hope you like, just an idea;)**


	2. Chapter 2- New people

**Thank you too all my reviewers and followers and favouriters;D Here's chapter two:**

**P.S: I really couldn't get rid of Alaric, I love him so much;D **

* * *

**Chapter two:**

Yeah, annoying man number three had the guts to snap his fingers in my face. In my face. What do I look like, a dog!? Jeez, what is with society these days!?

"I'll have a whiskey on the rocks," AMN3 (annoying man number 3) says. "Make it snappy." And he clicks his fingers. TWICE! OH MY GOSH!

I lean over and snap my fingers in his face. "Getting annoying? Because that's how I feel. You may think that because I wear this shirt that I'm gonna come when you snap your fingers? Because you maybe a customer but you snap your fingers in my face, we have issues, all right? Now, what was that again? Plus, take the hat off, we're inside. It's ridiculous."

To mine, Stefan and Damon's amusement, Jeremy shrugs the hat off, and looks guilty.

"Can I have a whiskey on the rocks, please?" He asks.

"Certainly, my good man!"I say.

"Wow, Josie, you're really something," Damon says.

I wipe a fake tear away from my eye. "Thank you so much, Damon. I shall pray to god to heal your face so kittens won't wanna hiss and scratch it all the time."

"I meant that statement in a bad way," He says.

I wipe the bar again. "Well, I take it back. You stay ugly. You just messed up your chance on being up there with me and me."

Damon rolls his eyes. "You are so annoying."

"Thanks, I aim for that," I say sarcastically. I have to control the sarcasm. "Look, dude, I know I'm rude all the time but that's just me, okay?"

Damon nods. "Well, this has been really fun, but I have to leave. Got important things to brew over. But, Josie, save a beer for me."

"Well, ugly, I might if you fix your face."

Stefan chuckles. No frowny no more? "I like you. You can knock my bro on his ass." He holds his hand up for a high five. Okay, whoa, I do not high five any random person. That's just a no, no!

"Whoa, okay, dude," I answer him, "Just because I can knock your 'bro' on his ass, does not mean that you and I are on the same side. You are just too broody for my liking. Now run along and play vamp tag with your girl."

Stefan scowls, while Damon laughs, as they both leave the grill. Jeremy looks up expectantly and I see his hand twitching.

"Don't you dare," I warn him.

He chokes on his drink. "What!?"

"Oh, don't you what me, ass wipe," I reply. "I saw your hand getting all twitchy. Just don't all right?"

"Okay," He says.

Oh, hey, look, Barbie's on her way over. Not really, but this girl looks like Barbie and it's the only real way to describe her looks. Anyway, she looks angry and angry Barbie I haven't really dealt with.

She slams her perfect fist on the bar, making it crack a little and her straight hair swishes. Is it weird that I find that really distracting? I can't see my own hair swish, but I can see hers and its cool! Sorry, weird freaky lesbian moment over.

Well, anyway, Barbie is looking at me expectantly, like I'm supposed to read minds and bring her the order she wants. Yeah, I'm not Edward Cullen, love, so just tell me what you want.

"Aren't you going to ask me what I want?" Barbie asks. Oo, British chick. Nice.

"Am I supposed to?" I answer her, looking at her as she glares at me. "Oh, better yet, am I supposed to know every persons order in this bar? Sorry, yours must have slipped my mind."

Barbie sneers at me. I bring up a whiskey, and put some lemonade in it, and she looks at me shocked.

"Never doubt me," I say proudly, wiggling my eyebrows. I see Jeremy's hand twitching again. "Jeremy, I swear to god—"

"Okay! Okay!" Jeremy hides his hands from me.

Josie, 1, Jeremy, 0.

* * *

Why was I talked into this?

Oh, yeah, that's right. I wasn't! I was forced upon this by Stefan and Damon, who, by the way, are very loving and caring towards one another, even thought they claim to hate the living guts out of one another.

Oh right, back to what I am being forced into…I'm now sitting in the Salvatore boarding house while Stefan and Damon's vampire/supernatural buddies look me over. Yeah, so I look a state with my black curly hair and brown eyes that are almost gold, and eyeliner and black everywhere. But this is me, people, so no likey? Fuck off…ey.

There are five people in the room I am in now that don't know who I am. Which, personally, I'm okay with cause I is not great meeting new people. I'm really rude and so sarcastic all the time it hurts. Other peoples hearts, obviously, because how could I hurt myself with my sarcasm?

Okay, so why is Barbie number 2 staring at me like that? It's weird.

"Can you guys stop staring at me like I'm some new shiny doll or something? Because I am neither shiny nor dolly, okay?" I say to them.

Damon rolls his eyes. "Guys, this is Josie Parks. She knows all about the supernatural crap so no need to hide. Josie, this is—"

A squeal erupts and Barbie number 2 hugs me. Oh no, physical contact. Must. Reboot. Defence. Mechanisms.

"Okay, girl," I say to her, "I'm gonna let you know three things. A) Don't ever hug me. Me don't do hugs and when hugged me freak out. B) I don't know your name, sorry for the girl. And C) please remember A and B."

Barbie number 2 seems a bit unnerved after that. "Okay, um, nice to meet you, Josie. I'm Caroline."

"Caroline, okay," I say. "All right. Who's Tyler Launter Wannabe over there?"

I gesture to said person holding Barbie number 2's hand, looking at me curiously. Okay…

"I'm Tyler," He says, "I'm a hybrid. Nice to meet you, Josie."

"Well, at least you aren't full dog," I say jokingly. "Joking, of course! Don't go all hybrid on me!"

Tyler chuckles. "I like you."

"Why thank you, good man! You are the first out of these fine people to say to one that you like one…you know what, that sounded better in my head."

"Course it did."

The blond haired man stands up from where he's sat, and he has a stake in his left hand. Okay, so hold up, who is he!? He's actually kinda cute, in that I'm-in-my-thirties-but-I'm-not way. Dirty blond floppy hair, and blue eyes. And he looks like he has chest hair. And nom, a man must have some hair on ones chest. Well, okay, so Thor doesn't, but Chris Hemsworth is just so hot it hurts my lady parts because they burn so much.

Do you think vampires can smell when you're turn on? Because that would be really cool if they could. Oh, my, what am I going to do when my period comes around!? Damon will be teasing me for weeks.

Oh man, I'm screwed.

"I'm Alaric Saltzman," He says, holding out his right hand for me to shake.

"Whoa, dude, did your parents hate you as a baby? Alaric? How'd you get stuck with that one?" I ask.

He smirks. "Ah, good ole Grandpa Alaric."

"Oo, well, if it helps, my middle name is Barbara," I say, "Grandma Barbara. Ah, Damon's face reminds me of her butt." I shudder for effect. It really had been scary. I was twelve. I will say no more. To traumatizing to remember.

Someone hits the back of my head, and I turn to see its Nana butt face looking at me innocently. Like he could ever be innocent.

"You could have given me concussion!" I exclaim. "Dude, I'm bleeding! I'm gonna die! Save me, Alaric!"

"God, you're such a drama queen," Damon says, face palming.

"Damon, no picking on Newbie here, all right?" Alaric says.

Damon splutters. "Pick? On her!? She picks on me!"

"Yea, okay, an innocent girl like me?" I ask.

I finally notice that a girl behind Alaric is staring at me and Damon, and she is just staring. Okay, so what up with the girl staring!? Take a picture, love, it lasts longer! She stands suddenly, and slowly makes her way over to us, as if we are a disease she really should be avoiding. She holds out her hand for me to shake.

"I'm Bonnie Bennett," She says, "I'm a witch."

"Oh, hey, Bonnie," I answer her, shaking her hand. "So, you can do hocus pocus with your hands?" She nods. "Awesome! Okay, Bonnie's my favourite here!"

Damon blows a raspberry. "What? Judgey's your favourite? At least pick someone more awesome."

"What, like you? Dude, have you seen yourself? You are not my definition of awesome. I mean, this girl can do hocus pocus with he hands, so you is not awesome, all right?"

"Well, love, I suppose she is," a deep british voice comes from the door.

"Okay, so who is that and why's he british?" I ask. Oh, I find british accents so hot.

I turn and see that there is this major hot dude staring at me. His hair is a dark blond colour, cute and wispy on the top of his head. His eyes are blue and yummy. Okay, so where have they been hiding this? Surely they would introduce this hotness first….Why is everyone backing away? Even Damon backs away.

"Oh, new one in the gang?" He says, his voice teasing.

"Oh, who are you then? Tea on the patio, my dear?" I say, in a terrible British accent. A terrible one, nonetheless, but it's a British accent all the same.

He laughs. It's like Damon breathes a sigh of relief and they all relax a little. "I'm Klaus, original hybrid."

H…o…l…y…s…h…i…t…

Did I really just mimick _the _original hybrid?

Yeah, I did.

Go, Josie!

"Oh, hey," I say casually. Hide. Inner. Fear. "So, you're half dog then? Lucky for you."

He laughs again. Does he mean it? Or is that the I'm-about-to-kill-you laugh?

"Wow, you should know who you are talking to, love," Klaus says.

"When did you become my father?" I ask him. Oh, even talking with attitude to a hybrid that has been alive for about a thousand years and can kills me in literally two seconds? Really, Josie!?

"Who is this?" Klaus asks.

"Can't you just ask me!? Hello, standing right here!" Josie, quit it!

"Who are you then, love?"

"I'm Josie Parks, sire!" I bend down and bow for him.

A growl erupts from him. "Right, someone want to say something before I snap this girl's neck?"

I gasp. "Rude! You've only just met me! You should get to know one before one snaps one's neck!"

Phase out the pissed off, Josie, phase it out.

"All right then," He says, "what's your favourite colour?"

"Black," I say.

"Okay then," He says and zooms forwards. "Anyone want to say anything before she gets killed? No? Okay then, nice knowing you for all of two seconds, Ms Parks, but it seems you've pissed me off. Goodbye."

Okay, beg!

"Wait! You really wanna kill me!? I don't really taste that good! Josie's are friends, not foods!"

He clenches my neck tighter. Oh, when did he get his hand wrapped around my neck? Damon and Stefan are trying to get closer to us, but Klaus is fighting them off with his other free arm. Oh, perfect. I'm gonna die on my second day here in Mystic Falls.

"You really wanna ruin your precious big badass hybrid reputation by killing a innocent human girl for just pissing you off!?"

Try the reputation resort, works with men every time. Just as long as they are shown to be tough and strong, they don't really care.

"True," He says.

He pushes me into Alaric's arms. Oh, Yay!

"You all right, Newbie?" He asks.

I nod. "Just got strangled by a hybrid, I'm fine."

"Sarcasm and witty comebacks at a time like this?" He asks.

"Please, I'm the queen of sarcasm and witty comebacks," I say, "And this punk head standing in front of us is going to pay for almost snapping my neck. I don't know how, because I am scared shitless of him, but I will find a way!"

Klaus laughs. "Okay, I will be quivering in my pants until then. Nice meeting you, Josie. Don't ever get on my bad side again, or your neck will be snapped."

He goes to leave.

"Bring it, bitch!" Josie, couldn't you keep your mouth shut for two seconds?

"Oh, I just might," He says, smirking.

Everyone looks at me with a glare. I shrug innocently.

"What'd I do?"

Alaric face palms. "I need a drink."

Damon and I glance at one another. "Touché."

* * *

**Chapter three coming soon;)**


	3. Chapter 3- Drink with Al

**Thank you for your lovely reviews Superkiran, ShellzVampires, Britt, Enternal Tweeter and Guest;) Thank you;D**

**Here's chapter three:**

* * *

**Chapter three:**

****"Wow, how many days have you been in Mystic Falls?" Alaric says, or Al, because Alaric is such a mouthful. "You've already met that jackass Damon, and you've been threatened by Klaus. Wow, Newbie."

I shrug my shoulders. "Well, I aim to befriend jackasses with faces like my nana's butt and to be threatened by powerful supernatural creatures who could break my neck with the flick of their wrist."

Alaric laughs. "Cheers to that, I guess."

We clink glasses. I glance over to Damon, who is stood chatting up a girl next to us. She seems pretty decent...if you wanted to do a slut! I mean, c'mon, look at the boob tube, and the tight short denim skirt...WAIT! PRISSY CHANEL MODEL WANNABE!?

"So what does Damon actually think he's going to do over there apart from scare her away?" I ask my new best bud. Alaric's pretty cool.

"He's usually like this," Alaric answers, "He thinks that if he does his sexy badass thing that women will fall at his feet. Usually, women like that do. You, on the other hand, don't."

I lean against the bar. "C'mon, like I would lower my standards just to get laid. That's such a prostitute thing to do. And I would know! My best bud back home was a prostitute."

Alaric smirks. "You were friends with a prostitute?"

"Why? Want me to set you guys up?" I ask. "She has crabs. She had to go to the doctors about it, and me being best friend, had to go. Never again. I always make sure the man covers up before he even comes through the door."

"Good for you," Alaric says. "So, where do you come from originally?"

"Born and raised in New York," I say. "You know, lower, poorer side, but New York all the same. But, well, I was kinda poor and spent most of money on the small one bedroom apartment here and moved on out of there."

"Job?"

"Well, I planned on becoming a successful journalist but nope! Obviously I wasn't cut out to be in New York. So I moved here. Now, I'm seriously regretting it."

Alaric laughs. "C'mon, it was one time that Klaus threatened you. For all we know, he could have a slight crush on you."

"Oh, and threatening to break a girl's neck is a way to prove his undying love for me?" I ask him cheekily. "I got threatened by a original, Al. **The **Niklaus."

"Ah, it'll be fine."

I scoff. "Easy for you too say. Who knows what hurts originals? AL! Who knows how to stake a vampire? AL! C'mon, I don't stand a chance against the supernatural."

"You could like fire your sarcasm at them," Alaric suggests.

I make an approving sound. "Okay, you can stay."

"Great," Alaric says.

Damon walks up and grabs my beer from the bar, swigging it before placing it down. Oh hell to the no! He did not just do that! He just stole my drink! The once chance I might actually have of getting completely shitfaced and then waking up, only slightly remembering that a hybrid threatened me! I mean, he threatened me!

I only agreed to come out for drinks with Al and Damon if they brought mine. So, since he had the most money, Damon stepped forward. I mean, the guy is loaded. He's been alive for so long that he has been able to get hold of a lot of money.

Gosh, imagine how much Klaus owns...? Oh, great, now I'm thinking about that cute, threatening, really hot hybrid. He is seriously hot. It should be illegal to be that hot. Oh, great. Sluttly McSlutson is heading our way. What do I do? Do I hide behind Alaric and tell him to cellotape my mouth shut before I say anything? Or do I make a complete and utter prick of myself by arguing with her? Screw it! Arguing it is!

"Okay, so why are you over here?" I ask her as she sits next to me, Damon on the other side of her.

"Damon here offered me drinks and I said yes," she says, "I'm Joanna."

"Hey, Joanna," I say. "Now get lost."

"Josie," Damon warns.

"What? Even though you are very ugly, you could do so much better then this slut to the side of me," I say. "She even drank out of my beer bottle, for flip sake!"

Al sniggers. Damon frowns. The girl looks defensive, about to stand up for herself. Ooo, here we go.

"Look, Damon offered me these drinks, okay? So I'm staying here and talking to him," Joanna says.

I narrow my eyes. "Oh, okay, so if Damon offered you a chance to jump off a cliff, would you?" She shakes her head, about to say something. I hold up a hand. "Okay, so no. Now piss off please."

"No," She says. "Where did you crawl out from? You look like you've just gone ten rounds with some black paint."

I wipe a fake tear from my eyes. "You wounded me so much. I mean, bitch, your mother such a slut it's radiated on to you and made you such a slut that you are infecting every one around you. Now piss off back to the Brothel and leave me be."

"Well, have you seen your mother? She's slept with so many men her vagina is all messed up," the girls says, struggling to hold insults.

"Aren't you describing your own mother?" I ask her. "Of course you are. I was stupid to ask. Can you mind telling me what fabric your skirt is...oh right, there isn't one! Might wanna close your legs too. I can smell something fishy, and it sure ain't the fish and chips that man is eating."

The girl looks shocked. "Bitch, please, that's your...vagina."

"C'mon, have you seen you? Might be yours," I say. Al is sniggering away in my shoulder. "The only successful relationship you're going to have is with yourself. So, quit being a slut and go home. Thank you, and goodnight!"

The girl gets up and storms off. Al holds up his hand and I high five it. C'mon, this is Alaric and he deserves a high five. Unlike Damon, who is now glaring at me while sipping his whiskey pissed off. Do you think I pissed him off? I don't think so. I think he's just glaring at me because I'm awesome.

"Could you not scare off any woman who wants to sit and have drinks with me, please?" he asks.

I pout at him. "Why? Is lickle Damey Wamey a little upset because he isn't getting any tonight?"

"Nope," Alaric choruses in my ear. "You just stopped him from having his tea. Joanna was going to be the main course."

"Oh, well, why don't you go catch her?" I ask. "Sorry. Didn't know she was supposed to be your dinner."

Damon shrugs. "It's all right. She didn't look that tasty."

I raise an eyebrow. "You can tell if they look tasty?"

"Yeah," Damon says. He gestures to the fresh, innocent girl standing just next to the bar. "Now that's tasty. I'll walk you through how I do it. Basically, I walk up to a girl like that, and I hit on her and ask her if she wants to get out of here. Then, I feed and heal and compel them to forget. Easy, quick, simple."

"Wow, I so needed to know that," I say.

Alaric sniggers. "He's gotten better over the years. He drinks mainly from blood bags."

"Why? Because you make him?" They are silent. "Oh my god! You guys would make the perfect couple!"

Damon looks over to Alaric before at me. "Are you crazy!? He's my best bud!"

"Yeah! He's like my brother! That's incest!" Alaric splutters.

"Jeez, guys, I was just expressing my opinion," I say. "But you're awfully defensive. Are you sure?" Cue pointed look at both of them. They both nod. "Well, only if you're sure. How about we get this party started? Damon, I still need to meet Elena, so tell Stefan to bring her with him. That's it though. No more people apart from them."

Damon nods. "One moment."

"So what is Elena like?" I ask Al.

"She gets touchy about new people in Mystic Falls, but you'll get past that," He says. "I used to look after her and Jeremy after their carer died."

"Where was their parents?"

"Dead. Their aunt was my girlfriend. But then she died, so I took over, you know..."

"You get to boss them around and tell them to do all sorts of shit," I answer for him.

"Precisely," He answers.

"She's a vamp, right?" I ask him.

Alaric nods. "Why?"

"If she doesn't like me and goes to kill me with her fangs, I can, you know, break out the vervain in my bracelet and go, "HERE!" and shove it in her face and watch while she burns," I say.

"Wow, you're already plotting to overthrow queen bitch?" someone asks behind. Oh, hey, it's Barbie number 1! "I'm impressed. Didn't my brother threaten you earlier?"

I look at her. "So you're on of the originals. And definatly not Kol or Fin or Elijah, so...Rebekah, I'm gonna say?"

"Yeah," She says, taking a seat. "So, you are planning to overthrown queen bitch?"

"Rebekah, she's not a bitch," Alaric protests. "You're just bitter because your brother has basically disowned you and you have no friends."

"Well, Alaric, I wouldn't say you are much better, what with your drinking habits," Rebekah says smugly.

Oh hell to the no. Second original to mess with me today.

"Excuse me, who do you think you are?" I ask her. "Yes, you may be Rebekah the original, but to me, you are just another blonde. So why don't you do us all a favour and piss off? Because I don't think I can be in your presence any more, what with you being dumb." Sorry to the blondes out there, god bless blondes. She is just getting on my nerves.

"Listen, you perky little bitch," She threatens. "You say something like that to me one more time and so help me god-"

"-sorry, Sweetheart, I do think god helps creatures like you," I say. "Now, go."

To my surprise, and probably Alaric's, she left.

How many girls was that now? Two? And now I have to meet Elena also?

Damon comes back. "Hey, so, we're heading over to the Gilbert house. Seems Elena doesn't want to come out tonight."

"Well, what a party pooper," I comment.

Alaric shakes his head. "She gets in these moods sometimes. Best thing to do is ignore her."

"Oh, all right," I reply. "Let's go, my good man."

Damon rolls his eyes.

* * *

"Nice house," I comment.

I'm not lying. It is actually a nice house. Shame about the fact that Stefan is stood outside, frowning at the sound of Damon's car. Alaric is just rolling his eyes. Am I missing something? Maybe I am. Ah well, I don't really care.

"I thought I told you guys to stay there and let Elena rest," Stefan says as soon as Damon and I get out of the car. "Gosh, Damon!"

Damon shrugs. "What? I didn't know you meant that she was resting now! And Josie needs to meet her."

"Why?" Stefan asks. "She's nothing special."

"Oh, are you starting on how vampires are more superior then humans?" I ask. "Who's been around longer?"

"Vampires," Stefan answers almost immediately.

I shake my head, smirking. "Klaus, Rebekah, Kol, Fin, Elijah. They were all human until they turned into originals. So, humans before vampires. So shut that pretty face of yours and get me a beer."

"Stefan?" We all turn to see a girl, making her way down.

I gasp. "Why does Elena look exactly like Katherine?"

Oops, why are there suddenly four eyes glaring at me.

Did I do something wrong?

* * *

**There you go;) hoped you liked it:D**


	4. Chapter 4- 1st Supernatural Crime Scene

**Sorry it's been oh so very long! My laptop is broken, and therefore being fixed, and I hardly get any alone time...anyway, sorry. Here's chapter four for you!**

* * *

**Chapter four: My first supernatural crime scene**

"Katherine?" Damon growls.

Yeah, did the dude not hear me or something?

"How do you know Katherine?" Stefan also growls.

Jeez, for brothers who don't like one another, as I have said before, they are an awful lot like each other.

I shrug. "Not very well. It was my friend that knew her. And before you ask, no, I'm not a part of her bitchy schemes. My friend is, well, was, but I killed her. She was about to full on suck my blood!"

Alaric chuckles. Damon and Stefan glare at him.

"Guys, chill, all right?" I say. "I don't plan to overthrow you guys. You guys are my friends. Well, Damon and Alaric are. I'm getting there with Jeremy, Caroline, Tyler and Bonnie. Elena, though, I have yet to meet. And Stefan, well, growls and frowns to much for my liking, so...Just remember that I at least like you guys."

Then I'm ushered inside like a cow, and Damon plonks me next to Elena on the couch.

Damon then cracks a smiles. YEY! I'm safe. "Okay, how about you get to know Elena?"

Elena smiles. "Hey, I'm Elena."

"I know who you are," I say rudely. "I'm Josie. I'm always rude and sarcastic, so, like, if I offend, I don't mean to."

"Oh, but it's okay to offend me?" Stefan asks.

"Your face offends everyone," I snap back before smiling at Elena. "See?"

"I see perfectly," Elena replies. "Do you want something to drink?"

"Maybe," I say. "Al, could you get Elena and I a drink?"

"I thought I was the older one here who could fall down and crumble any second," He says.

I chuckle. "You are. But I'm behind you on that, so hurry up. Plus, you can't make Elena get up and get it. She's stressed, and she's broken her leg."

"Her leg could heal," Stefan points out and holds up two fingers, "in like two seconds."

I glare at him. "You just gotta ruin it for everyone, don't you!?"

Jeremy comes down. "When did you get here?" He holds his hand up for a high five. I clamber away and towards Elena. When she gives me a weird look, I point to the outstretched palm of Jeremy.

"I don't give high fives to random people," I say. "They have to be awesome."

"That's not weird at all."

Oh hell to the no.

"Elena!" Damon hisses. "Don't anger it! She gets touchy about things like that!"

"What, and you aren't weird? You look like your living dead ancestor, who, by the way, Damon and Stefan used to hump a hump! So, I don't think you're one to talk about weirdness. Jeremy, put your hand down!" I say all in one go. She started it!

"Don't tell him what to do because of your freak high five thing!" Elena hisses.

"Oh, call me a freak again!"

"Freak!"

"You're a whore and you know it!" I jump but Damon is holding me back. Bastard.

"She's a bitch!" I say to him. "She's perfect for Stefan!"

Damon nods. "She is a bit of a bitch, I guess. I mean, I loved her but she ripped my heart out."

"Really? Then why are you holding me back from attacking her skinny little ass? I think this bitch deserves a good punch up."

Damon's grip slacks. Haha. I launch myself at Elena, and land a punch to her face. Then she punches me. And it bleeds. Then Elena's on me, trying to suck said blood. AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! That's why Damon was holding me back...

"Can someone just get this bitch off me?"

Oh, so now they listen? As I'm struggling to fend off this bitch who actually wants to suck my blood! Elena is now gone, straight off the top of me as Damon helps me up. He fingers the cut before wiping it on my nice black top.

"Why'd you do that?" I ask him.

Damon shrugs. "Basically, it's blood so I don't want it on my clothes since this is Gucci and Gucci is expensive. And the fact your blood smells nice and I might start chewing my top when I take it off."

I burst out laughing. I'm not even going to comment.

* * *

"Daaaaaammmmmmmooooonnn!" I whine to him over the phone. "Its bruised! Can't you just do this one thing for me!?"

I'm trying to get Damon to fight that bitch Elena. She won't want to pounce on him when he starts to bleed. And this is all because she called me weird...so maybe I overreacted, but please! Nobody insults this hotness, all right? And I'm not really used to getting on with girls my age. They either have to be younger then me, like high school young, or older as in fifty, mu mom's age. My mom's like a bitch. She didn't really want know her sarcastic bitch of a daughter.

"Why don't you call your best bud, Alaric?" He asks, interrupting my brain.

Good point...why did I call Damon? Maybe its because Damon was the first friend I had in this town. Yeah, yeah, I hate to freaking admit it, but I actually like Damon. He has a nice personality...okay, I'm totally lying, but he's good for banter, drinking and just talking and pretending to listen. That's what you need in a friend, you know? All you need is a friend who can withhold your insults and teasing and your shit. And Damon can do that. So I can keep him around. He's all right.

"Because I thought this was a Damon type of problem," I say. "Now help me!"

"No!"

Selfish, selfish bastard.

"Why don't you just apologize to Stefan and Elena?"

Did he just say apologize? Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no! NO! Josie doesn't apologize to anyone! Anyone, I tell you! Even when I knocked into someone in New York and this girl shouted 'hey!' and I started having a go at her because I cannot have anyone being rude to me. So, if I apologize to Stefan and Elena? That means they've won! That means I've insulted Stefan and fought Elena for nothing! It makes me the pussy hole here, and I'm not having that!

Also, Alaric's angry with Elena and I and has refused to talk to me. See, now apart from Damon and Jeremy, Alaric is the only person I really like around town. So not having him talk to me is killing me. Really, I'm actually going to get a knife and stab it through my chest so I don't have to deal with him not being near me. IT hurts so. Damon and Jeremy are still talking to me, though Jeremy was a bit miffed when I first talked to him afterwards, but now he's more peeved at Elena because she almost sucked my blood but she swore she had it under control. Liar!

"No, thank you!" I huff out to Damon, fingering my bruise in the mirror. Bitch packs a punch.

"Do you know that she's probably healed by now, while I'm stuck in pain!"

"You started on her!" Damon protest in her honor.

"Did you just defend her?"

Damon sighs. I can literally see him face palming. "Look, I've got to go and feed. I'll talk to you later."

"No. Ugly-"

He hung up on me. Bitch, please. I do feel bad though. I mean, I hadn't even given Elena a chance before I suddenly pounced on her. She could have been my banter buddy. Obviously not now, she probably hates me. And Stefan. Though the latter doesn't really matter to me because he's moody and a dick anyways.

THUMP!

Holy shit!

"Who are you, burglar?" I yell out.

"What? Burglars come through doors now, Stefan. Did you know that?" Jeremy says.

I walk in a slap him on the arm, making sure I hurt him. "Dude! You scared the absolute shit out of me!"

"Jeremy, she's not kidding," Stefan teases, holding his nose.

"You look like a piece of shit," I snap back. "Hold up - did you just joke with us?"

Stefan nods, cracking a smile. "Yeah, I realized I'm very moody."

"Hallelujah!" I cry. "Stefan! Come here and give me a hug!"

We embrace, because, c'mon, he's not as miserable as he used to be. And I've only been here a few days. See how I spread my cheer!?"

"Okay, am I seeing some kind of truce between you two?" Jeremy says, as he sets the milk - don't even ask - on the counter and sighs. "Does that mean he can high five you now?"

"Nope," I say as Stefan raises his hand for a high five. He frowns a little. "You gotta get to know me better."

Stefan smiles. "So I'm not hated?"

"No, but your girlfriend is," I mutter, but of course, he hears me because of stupid vamp hearing. He frowns and grumbles. "Okay, I'm sorry! Its just what happened yesterday and everything."

Stefan shrugs. "True. All right, well, we brought coffee and waffles and-"

"You didn't bring bagels, did you?" I ask. I shudder. "Seriously, I knew this guy who, you know-"

"We did bring bagels, but they are going in the bin right now," Jeremy says.

I smirk and lean towards Stefan. "Totally knew it would make him put them in the bin."

"I heard that!" Jeremy snaps.

"Oh, cry me a river," I say. "Now, peasant, just hand me a waffle, servant boy, and give thy's finest syrup!"

Stefan smiles. "Breakfast with you is weird."

"You'll get used to it," I say as we sit down. "And wait until you see lunch time me. Jeez, you see a whole different side of me!"

* * *

"Shit, Matt! Why didn't you wake me up!?" I yell as soon as my head falls off the bar.

"I didn't think that was in my job description," Matt says swirling his stupidly stupid cloth around before swinging it over his shoulder. "So, why don't you get your ass up and clean the mens room?"

I choke. "Matt? In case you have forgotten, or you know, just didn't know, I don't actually have a penis. Sorry to ruin whatever the hell was going on in that mind of yours when you asked me that question."

I just get the cleaning products thrust in my face. Great, isn't it? You come to Mystic Falls, and now you've got to clean the mens room! This is so cool...not!

Ooo, saved by the bell.

"Sorry, Matt, this could be a very important phone call that I need to take ASAP!" I say. "But don't worry! I'll clean the shit- I mean, mens room."

Matt rolls his eyes. "I'll have Jeremy do it."

"Yes, have my noble servant do it!"

Matt huffs. "Just answer the god damn phone."

"Hello!" I say into my phone. "Who is this on Josie Park's phone?"

"Its Damon Salvatore, may one speak?" Damon asks.

"One may since on is saving me from cleaning the shitters." Matt frowns. "I mean, glamorous mens room, that are totes cool!" I lower my voice. "Totally lying."

"Can I tell you what's up now?"

"Shoot. Go ahead. Dramatics over."

"I say someone's been killed," Damon says, "by the supernatural."

"No, really?" I say sarcastically. "I thought it was by the new homicidal freak in town."

"Aren't you the new homicidal freak in town?"

I blow a raspberry. "NO! Thank you! Gosh! You kill every one with your ugliness! You're a homicidal ugly killer!"

Jeremy comes over. "Josie."

"Hold on, HUK." I cover the microphone on my phone. "Yes?"

"Can you clean the mens room?" He asks.

"You guys are like two evil warlords mining the souls of zombies!" I say. Matt and Jeremy start to laugh. "Now hold on. I've got a very important phone call!"

"To who, Damon?" Jeremy splutters.

"Yes, Damon the vamp who can hear you even though I have covered the microphone." I look down. "Ooops, did my hand slip?"

Jeremy looks startled. "He doesn't scare me!"

"Oh, he doesn't? Is that why you like you're about to shit your pants?" I ask. I shake my head. "Well, anyways, Edward Cullen's on hold demanding to know where his Bella is, so I'll be back to work in two shakes."

I go back to Damon. "Hey, anyways, someone has been killed. Sheriff wants us to go check it out. She thinks it's supernatural."

"Really?" I ask. "Wow! My first supernatural crime scene! Why wasn't I in on this sooner?"

Damon chuckles. "You're a better partner then Stefan, I'll give you that. Meet you at the edge of the forest and we'll go from there."

"Pick me up after work," I say and higher my voice. "Rough car sex!? Certainly!"

"Ew!" Jeremy yells.

My eyes widen in innocence. "What's wrong? Its not like you've walked in on Elena and Stefan having sex, is it?"

"Double ew!" Jeremy yells.

I laugh. "Oh, mentioning your sister having sex. A real bad move."

"I've come to know that you never apologize and are never sincere," Jeremy says, "but that was almost sincere."

I blow a raspberry. "No! I am never sincere. Especially towards some stupid punk ass kid who thinks I'm gonna high five him."

"I will get you to high five me," he says. Yeah, okay.

I shake my head. "No. Go clean the bathroom."

"I was working before you," He replies. Damn kid. "That means I have to boss you around."

"No," I say and shake my head. This damn kid is getting on my nerves. "Jeremy, it doesn't mean you have to, it just means that you feel like you need to. But, unfortunately for you, I don't like getting bossed around. Nw go clean the men rooms because the amount of STI's and cum stains that are in there, I would rather you clean it then me."

"Josie! We do not threaten Jeremy!" Matt yells from somewhere out front.

"I did not threaten him! I was merely stating how gorgeous the mens room is, and you know, Jer here was saying it wasn't!" I yell back.

Matt shows up, barging the door open. "Jeremy, you can clean the ladies room as well."

I pat Jeremy's cheek. "See you later, sweet cheeks."

* * *

"Didn't have time to change?" Damon asks as we meet in the middle of the woods. Al had texted Damon and told him that he was already there.

I smirk. "Well, I didn't want to change for my first murder scene because what if I get blood on my top? I might chew it!"

"I said that to make you laugh," Damon says, "You aren't allowed to hold that against me."

"I am allowed to hold that against you because you are Edward Cullen. And you are just trying to find your Bella. So, I am allowed to hold it against you."

Damon sighs and moves a branch out the way for me. "Seriously, that's not even a real reason, Parks, and you know it."

"What, that you are seriously Edward Cullen and are wearing a fake mask just to hide it?" I ask him. Oh my god! I see Al! "Al! Did you hear? Damon is Edward Cullen with a mask on!"

Al sighs. "Reallu, Newbie? We don't talk for days, I expect an apology but all I get is some crap inside joke I don't even understand?"

"Look, Al," I start, "I'm sorry, but she called me weird!"

"So! You called her weird and threw the first punch!" Al says. Then he sighs.

"I'll buy you a drink to make up for it," I say. Sway him, Josie. He'll cave. "Maybe a few blowjobs?" Thatta girl.

Al shakes his head and smiles. "You're forgiven, Newbie. Just don't do it again, or you and me will have problems, understood?"

"Clear!" I hug him, because what the heck, we are in the woods, with a murder scene and we just made up. I saw the hug coming! "Now, are we going to go all Sherlock Holmes on this mother all what?"

Damon smirks. "That's why you are my second favorite. Alaric's my first."

"Nope, I understand," I say, kneeling down by the woman who is dead. What, she is! "Alaric's awesome. It's the same way for me. Just to let you know, I have boobs and boobs always top big penis unless the person you are fighting over is gay. In our case, you are Edward Cullen, and may see Alaric as your Bella, and may see myself as a friendly Jacob. It makes sense right? I so could have wrote those twilight books. It's a shame she wrote them first!"

"Josie, why don't you just pay attention?" Al asks.

"I will when you take you shirt off," I say and then look around. "Who said that!?"

Al chuckles. "I spoke to the Sheriff and she wants us to find out if it's a vamp attack or not. She didn't have time to come here and one of the deputies didn't check properly."

"Well," I say, brushing my knees from the leaves. Ready? Okay, Josie, go. Be Sherlock Holmes. "It's a vamp attack. And before you ask, how do you know that? I know that because of the puncture wounds to the left of this young woman's neck. And if you think of it, we've got ourselves a nice Ed Cullen, because it's a woman, and I know Damon likes going for that sex instead of men."

"How the hell did all that come from in there? Where there is no brain?" Damon gestures to my head.

I sigh and smile up at him. "Sometimes, I choose to have a brain. I use it to dish out sarcastic comments and sometimes my Sherlock Holmes-ness."

"Does it hurt to be a genius?" Al says.

I hold my head. "Now you say it, Al, it does just a little."

"Maybe we should slam your head into a tree so we won't have to deal with you all afternoon," Damon says thoughtfully.

I back away behind Al. "Help me, Al! He is a crazy man!"

"Ah, don't worry. This won't be the first time I have saved a damsel in his disposal," Al comments.

"Oh, hold up!" I exclaim. "I'm not some 'damsel' that you need to 'save' all right? Ugh, Jerk. Can't hide behind no one these days."

Al steps away from me and Damon's scary face pops up.

"Ah, Al, I take it back! Please, come back so your boyfriend won't eat me!" I exclaim.

"Damon, put your face away," Al says, glaring at the vamp.

I growl. "Yeah, Damon, put your face away."

Al and Damon are quiet before shrugs his shoulders.

"Good, Damon," I say. "Now, we better go tell Sheriff that we know why there is a body here. Vamp. We tell her I figured it out."

Damon salutes. "Yes, Sir."

"You obviously didn't actually go to war. They call the women Ma'am, you idiot," I tease.

"Fine, Ma'am," Damon replies, poking his tongue out.

"Let's go get a drink," Al says.

"We gotta talk to the sheriff first!" I groan. "Then we drink. Damon pays!"

We all cheer until Damon stops.

"Wait, did you say I'm paying?" Damon asks.

"Seriously, who is that!? Show yourself!" I scream.

Al just sniggers. Asshole.

* * *

"Hello, Jeremy," I say, "What did you do today?"

I sit down opposite him, where he's sat at the Grill.

"Well, I-" Jeremy starts.

"Now I'm bored," I say. His face falls. "I'm joking. I know that you had to work all day and go into the STI ridden room for quite some time."

Jeremy smirks. "I'm really tired."

"Me too! I so am! I just had to spend four hours with Al and Damon talking about vamps and and werewolves and how I have to be nice to them. What? Josie doesn't talk nice to anyone."

Jeremy chuckles and we order fries and a burger each. Yummy food with a workers discount. How lovely jubbly is that?

"Josie, you might wanna be nice to Klaus and Rebekah, because they can kill you really quickly and they don't really have the same respect for human life as Stefan and them guys have."

I shrug. "Can I pinch some of your fries, please?"

"Did the Josie Parks just say please?"

"Yeah, yeah. Can I please?"

He nods. "You know, Josie? You aren't that bad. I know that you've got something going on because honestly, a person with that amount of insults and sarcasm has to have some shit going on. But you aren't that bad."

"Am I about to ruin our little moment by saying that you are a sap shit but I'm glad your my friend?"

Jeremy nods. "But you made up for it."

And that's how we spent our evening.

* * *

**Hoped you liked it! Be back soon, hopefully, but don't know how long. Sorry ;)**


	5. Chapter 5- Figuring Out What To Do

**I know it's been a while, but hey! Here you go! Here's chapter five!:) Thanks for the reviews, and the favourites and the followers. I really appreciate it :D**

* * *

**Chapter five: Figuring out what to do.**

"Damon, really!?" I ask the dick as he jumps on my bed. "You just landed on my belly and I do not heal as well as you do! I will hit you!"

Damon sighs. "You're just like Stefan today; moody and boring."

"Oh, and YEY! Damon wants to be fun and carefree today!" I say. "Well, guess what, Damon. At this lovely time of six, my only answer is piss off."

Damon rolls his eyes and flops down on my bed. "We've gotta come up with a plan to get rid of the leech-" He just offended himself. Haha. "-because he could sink his teeth into another woman."

"Maybe it was you and you didn't know about it," I say.

That earns me a a hit to the head.

"What! We have to consider all our options!" I yell. "And I am wearing no pyjama bottoms underneath this. You must leave."

No. He gets comfy, with his hands behind his head and looks me over.

"No, I might stay and enjoy the show," He says.

Dick. Head. Is. Dead.

"There is no show until you leave," I say. "And that's an order. So I suggest you get your ass out of here pronto before you loose your balls."

Damon looks over at me from his side of the bed. "I think you should consider going to see a therapist."

"No, thank you. I stopped going to see them when I realised their job title was THE-RAPIST. I got a bit freaked out after I realised. Especially when they told me to lie down. You can imagine."

Damon laughs. "Oh, what am I going to do with you, Josie?"

"I don't know. But could you get out of my room? And also ring Al and set up a drink and a lunch date at the grill so we can discuss the plan. And make me pancakes, please?"

"On it! I make mean pancakes!"

Vamps are so easy to fool.

* * *

"Damon, these are delicious!" I exclaim. "Why have you never fed me these before?"

We are sat at my small kitchen table eating pancakes and drinking coffee. My hair is wet from my awesome shower. I don't need to be made up for Damon.

He shrugs, smiling into his coffee. "I only reserve them for friends. Obviously, we're friends now."

I roll my eyes. "Obviously."

"Hurry up and eat your pancakes, sweetcheeks," Damon orders, gobbling up the last of his pancakes. "Then go dry your hair because we've got to meet with the sheriff. While you were in the shower, she called me about a body they found in the alley behind the grill. We're going to the morgue to see it. Then we're going to have lunch with Al. He's the history teacher here, but he can come off for lunch. I think."

Al is a history teacher. You would have never known.

"Why's he a history teacher? Couldn't he be a awesome Buffy?"

Damon laughs. "I'll tell him you said that. But it fits, it fits."

"Of course it does," I say. "I made it up."

"Hurry up and eat your stupid pancake."

I laugh now. "You just called yourself stupid, idiot."

His face is priceless. He pouts. Damon Salvatore is pouting, people! Alert the media! Where's my camera when I need it!?

* * *

After I blow dry my hair in to its natural black curls, I put on my eyeliner and makeup before changing into black leather leggings and a hunter green t-shirt, and my cropped light blue denim shirt. I spin in front of Damon when I walk out.

"What does his highness think?" I swirl again.

"His highness says very nice," Damon says, and opens my apartment door as I reach for my bag. "Now lets go."

"I'll go as long as you promise me to put My Chemical Romance on in the car," I beg him, pouting.

He smacks his head against the door. "Fine. Just as long as you don't pull that face again. It was ugly."

Oh, he's definitely getting it today. And I don't mean sex.

* * *

To be honest, I am surprised a place full of dead bodies could be so fun. Maybe it is because Damon is with me and he gets me to laugh, like, non stop, or maybe its just because the whole dead bodies thing. Either way, when I start to giggle, the Sheriff doesn't like it very much. She glares.

Ugh. Cops. I hate them. Really, I know they solve crimes and put dangerous people behind bars, and stop rapists (still counting on most THERAPISTS being rapists. I mean, come on, have you seen their job title? Sorry, if they offends any of you good THERAPISTS out there!) but still, no cop is nice. They always arrest you for no good reason. Once, my friend got arrested for accidentally kissing a cop and asking if he wanted to have a good time. She though he was more of the cop, fancy dress type, not an actual cop. I mean, we were in a fancy dress club. I was dressed up as a sexy zombie, because zombies are just so cool!

Hey, would you look at that? I could raise the zombies here! Matt and Jeremy could do it since they are evil warlords.

"What are you thinking about that's making you laugh so much?" Damon hisses at me. "You are supposed to be nice to the dead. RIP and all that shit."

I laugh again. "Damon, do not swear in thy dead's presence."

"Well then, don't laugh in thy dead's presence!" He snaps back.

The Sheriff chuckles. "You two are like a married couple."

"No, thank you!" I say, shaking my head. "I'd never marry him." The Sheriff carries on. I turn on Damon who's looking at all the bodies. "I'm never marrying you, not even for a bet."

"Why not? I'm hot," Damon says, clutching his chest. I laugh. "I'm hurt, Josie."

I roll my eyes. "A) You're my friend so no and B) You are not hot. How many times have I got to tell you, ugly? Plus, I like being single."

"Well, at least you're happy," He says.

The Sheriff stops in front of a metal table, the body underneath the blue sheet lying still. This is the girl.

"You may want to look away," the Sheriff says. I like the Sheriff. She's nice and caring. But don't worry, Sheriff, Josie is as hard as rocks.

"Nope, don't worry about me," I answer. "I'm as hard as a rock."

She pulls the blue sheet off the second victim, her dark hair combed down to cover up her boobs, her pale skin standing out. Poor girl. She had her whole life ahead of her...So, I care, all right!?

I scan the body with my eyes, searching for something that sticks out. Maybe this is just a regular murder. Well, maybe not. I see the big bite on the side of the girl's neck, two puncture holes which were obviously made by vamp fangs. What is it with vamps and necks? Suck somewhere else...haha...Sorry, own sexual innuendo. Would it be totally inappropriate if I ask Damon if he's ever had a homosexual experience because they asked him to suck somewhere else? Yeah, it totally would.

Poor, poor girl.

"So, both victims were women?" Damon asks, looking over her like I did.

Sheriff nods. "The first body showed signs of a vampire, so if Josie's right-"

"-and I am," I interrupt.

She just glares for the interruption. "You've got a rogue vamp on your hands."

"So, we're looking for a rogue male vampire who hasn't been in Mystic Falls before? That can't be too hard," I say.

"Actually, it can. We've got to find said rogue male vampire," Damon says. "He could have a daylight ring, so we have no way of knowing who it is unless we catch them in the act."

I start thinking.

The Sheriff starts to talk. "Can't you track the vamp who did this by smelling the body?"

"There's no scent," Damon replies after a couple of whiffs.

I have an idea!

"Why don't you use me as bait? If you're right, and it is a man and going after woman with dark hair and pale skin, I'm your gal! And, I'm human!" I point out.

Damon shakes his head. "We aren't using you as bait. What happens if we wait too long?"

"Then I loose too much blood and I get taken to hospital for some more," I say. "It's no big deal, Damon, I need to see how this hospital is anyway."

"I'd feel more comfortable pushing Stefan out then you," Damon argues. We've obviously forgotten the Sheriff's in the room then, have we?

"But Stefan's not human," I carry on. "So this is our only way. Plus, I'll be fine, you're just worrying too much. I'm telling Alaric."

"He'll say exactly the same thing I did!" Damon yells. Also, we've obviously forgotten we are in a morgue with a bunch of dead bodies trying to rest in peace.

"Thank you, Sheriff," I say, ignoring Damon's last comment. "See you soon. Well, hopefully it will be to tell you that we've caught the vamp."

We shake hands as she smiles politely. "Hopefully."

* * *

Damon is right. Al says the same thing Damon says.

"Absolutely not, Newbie," Al says as we eat our burgers and chips at the Grill. "You are not being bait. You could die."

"But if we leave it any longer, someone else could die!" I protest. "And I'll have you, Damon and Stefan for back up. Maybe we can rope Caroline and Elena into helping." Both shake their heads firmly. "Oh, come on! It's our only way!"

Al glares. "Do you have a death wish?"

"Oh yeah," I say sarcastically. "I've been wishing upon a star for years now."

Damon clears his throat to stop the upcoming argument. "Look, if we do this, and that's a pretty big if, we'll be thorough, all right? And if it gets too bad, you run."

"Nothing's too bad for Parks," I say, eating a chip. "Now, can we eat our chips and burgers and have a fun time?"

"With you? Haha," Damon barks out.

I glare at him. "Shut your pie hole, Princess. I'm fun. At least I don't go sucking peoples blood for fun."

"That's rude." Damon gobbles up at chip. "But it is fun to watch them squirm."

"You're horrible." I shake my head. "Do you know if Jeremy's working tonight?"

"Nope," Al says. "He didn't tell me if he was or not."

"You seem to be getting along with Jeremy," Damon says. "Anything there?"

"Excuse me while I go throw up in the bathroom," I say.

Really? Jeremy? I mean, yeah, the guy is as sexy as like, Robert Downey Jr, but come on! Jeremy? No! I would never go out with Jeremy. That's just a no no...

"Anyway, I think we should get off this topic and talk about the plan," Al says, sipping his whiskey. He's only allowed one; he has to get back to class.

I whine. "Al, it's lunch time!"

Al glares. Al's angry Al today. "Newbie, if we don't talk about the plan and make sure its thorough, you die!"

Damon sniggers. "Someone got told off by Dad."

"And you!" Al explodes. "Why would you even agree too such a plan in the first place?"

"I didn't agree to no plan!" Damon says. "But it's sounds all right. If we are thorough and plan it right, gt the rigght people, like Stefan, me, you, Caroline, Elena, she'll be fine."

"I'd be more comfortable if we had someone else there too," Al says after a moments silence.

"Like who?" I ask. Then think. "No..."

"Well, he's a hybrid and it will give us the edge!" Al beams proudly at his idea. His stupid, stupid idea.

I splutter. "You aren't actually being serious, are you!? No! Are you mad? He'll just let the man kill me!"

"No, he won't," Al says as if it's nothing. "It's his town that's being disturbed as well."

"Damon," I whine to the vampire sitting next to me. "Tell Al that he is being so ridiculously stupid."

Damon's face is thoughtful. "It gives you more protection."

"No! You both are bat shit crazy!" I scream at them. I take some deep breaths, before talking again. "Look, right now, I'd rather die then have him back me up, okay? He hates my guts! I took the mick out of his British accent! He's not going to want to back me up!"

"Shut up!" Damon hisses. "Jesus. I think the whole grill agrees with you by the way you are yelling and screaming."

I glare at him. "Whatever. All I know is that this plan is crazy. Getting Klaus involved?"

"It will help, Newbie," Al points out. "Now shut up and eat your burger. You are starting to piss me off."

* * *

There's a knock at my door, which I fling open and find Damon and Stefan. Stefan's holding a pizza box, and Damon's holding some wine.

"Well, since you've both brought me such lovely gifts, come in," I say in a posh voice, which causes Stefan to smile a little.

"Nice to see you, Josie," He says. "Haven't seen you since yesterday morning."

"It's been too long," I say sarcastically. "Wait - were you trying to be sarcastic?"

"Yes, attempting and failing too," Damon teases, shoving his brother.

Stefan opens the bottle of wine and starts pouring into glasses. I narrow my eyes at him.

"Should you be drinking that?" I ask him.

"Should you being wearing that?" He points towards Damon's shirt that I borrowed.

"Touché, my friend."

We settle down in front of my TV, watching NCIS and munching on pizza and sipping wine when Stefan speaks up.

"Josie, I just want you too know...I'll back you up when we do the 'Plan'," Stefan says.

I smile at him. "Thanks, Stefan. Now, we need to decide on our code names."

"I say mines, 'Hot Stuff!'" Damon says, eating his pizza.

I shake my head. "It needs to be related to one of your skills...Oh my god! Edward Cullen!"

Damon glares. "No."

"Please?" I pout.

Damon growls. "No."

"Please?" Pouting.

"N-No."

"Please?" Make yourself cry, Josie.

"Josie...FINE!"

"Yey!"

Stefan chuckles. "What about mine?"

"How about...Bambi? I mean, you hunt Bambi and you eat Bambi," I say.

Stefan smiles. "Sure. So, Damon's is Edward Cullen and mine's Bambi. What's yours? Sarcastic Bitch?"

"Yes!" I high five him. "Good!"

"All right," Damon says, sipping his wine. "Enough child's play. Let's watch Agent Gibbs and Agent DiNozzo take down the bad guys."

And we all settle to do just that. Before we do, I speak up.

"I called Barbie Vamp and she said she'll do whatever we plan to do," I say.

Damon doesn't look away from the screen but nods. "Good. Now hush your gums, Gibbs is on."

I place my feet across their legs and sip my wine. It's good wine.

* * *

**Sorry, if you don't like it. But thank you for reading.**


End file.
